love month

"Any bitch can spend a man's money, ride in his car, lay in his house, order off the menu and spread her legs. But only a real woman can help a man achieve his goals in life, support him when he’s broke, push him to be successful, shower him with positive energy, compliment him on a regular basis and never kick him while he’s down. If you find a woman like that, WIFE HER!!!!"

lucky him, he did found that woman. and he was so right to marry her.

ahemm...of course, I am also that bitch at the same time,hahaha.


after years of marriage, I wished things were still that simple and uncomplicated. I was reading this a while ago, 101sure signs if he loves you and it's so heartwarming to reminisce the boyfriend-girlfriend stage. I wish husbands would remain, even if not obsessed or addicted, just simply in love with their wives all throughout. I wish they would still:

• hold hands while walking
• give each other a quick kiss in public
• whisper something in a middle of a crowd
• laugh heartily together

Ours maybe different and we still do such things because we don't have kids yet and since he works away, when he's here, he is really on vacation and all mine. But I have seen couples who doesn't even want to be seen walking together. And it gets me affected! I will be forever crazily romantic. It isn't a case of public display of affection, these simple gestures makes a woman special. I wish wives would be treated the same way when men were patiently waiting for their "YES".

crissy!

After seven long months we got to see each other even on webcam. Thanks to skype and big thanks that he has access to internet now. The past months, we have to be contented with texting and once in a while phone calls. I am actually getting used to it. It just gets harder to imagine how he looked like now.


He let me see too his surroundings.The view was amazing especially that it was sunset when we were chatting. But it looked so sad too or I am just feeling that way, imagining that he's all alone in the midst of the sea.

The funny thing was we had an argument when he saw a picture of mine posted in facebook. And the reason was because i looked so fat. I just laugh about it not knowing he was really dead serious about his remark. I even kid back that "so what, I'm beautiful even if I'm fat". That he even pissed him off saying, why can't i learn to take care of myself. Oh, well I can really just laugh about it now. Although, it was  a turning point too for me to put a little effort to look good. Kaya daw siya nagpapakahirap para maging maganda ako. Crissy could be so funny!

I was really not vain from the start. At sabi ko nga dapat pa nga niya ipagpasalamat na low maintenance ako. Para daw akong may anak ng tatlo. Biniro ko din siya kagabi na para na siyang may anak na lima,hahaha. Bumabawi lang daw ako.

Anyway, lesson learned is to really looked good especially for housewives even they are within the comfort of home. And from now on, I will also take seriously his advise for me to shop a new dress every month. Now that is something I won't complain about.

Happiness,happiness.... i see how happy he is too. and that is more than enough for now.

reminiscing...

14 Aug 2000

Dear diary,

I find my way back home. And there’s this feeling that I don’t belong there anymore. I don’t want to mean, I am stranger now to my family. My point is my views and goals in life seem to be no longer confined in my birthplace. I’m even entertaining the thought of choosing a lifetime partner from a distant place.

Am just too disappointed of not seeing him? With all honesty…NO. I didn’t expect for his presence anyway. He’s trying to enter at the back of my mind but I guess I’m wiser enough to throw his thought away. I’ve got my own life now and I don’t intend to share it with people who once shattered it. I can go on with my life without having occupied by a mere past that would just be forever just a past.

I don’t know but I am having a hard time convincing people around that I’ve already outgrown whatever I felt for him. It seems that I am still very much after him when the whole truth is that, I am not even opening the possibility of being in his arms again. I’ve long accepted the fact that we got our own separate lives.

My ardent suitor was around again. Well, there’s nothing new with that. He’s always been there during occasions but as always I failed to notice his presence. After all, this may sound childish; I never wanted him to be there on the first place. I maybe soft- spoken at one look but when it concerns a man, I can be super assertive. I’ve been that straight forward so as to say if I like a man the first time I saw him. And the moment I laid my eyes on him, there was never that erratic beat of my heart or a mere excitement. Wala lang. right there and then, I know I can never at least like him.

But imagine it’s been four years ago. Why lasts that long? Because I don’t have the nerve to tell a person to get out of my life no matter how irritated I am. I maybe assertive when I like a man but turning somebody down is a different story. I don’t wanna hurt anybody too because I know how it feels.

This may sound so “mababaw”, but I think we girls are like these, when a guy becomes a suitor, we often asks this questions to ourselves, “How would he look like if he will be my groom? Can I imagine myself kneeling before the altar with him beside?” in case it’s a no, then it can never be. And that is exactly what I feel about him. I can never imagine…me? marrying him?

Though it’s still premature to talk about marriage, I often think that my would be boyfriend will definitely be my husband. There are many instances when I begin to wonder why I am so distant to him. He never did anything wrong. In fact, he’s giving me all the favor. But really I just can’t help the feeling of awkwardness, irritability or what, every time he is around. And I would want to believe that it has nothing to do with his physical looks.

I’ve never been judgmental on skin deep qualities and I don’t want to think that I am now. But you see a man may not be necessarily handsome to be liked about. Yet, there must be something in a man’s physical attributes that you must like. And it can be a start. Really physical assets count. I don’t want to be hypocrite about that. But still he has to bear other characteristics to sustain his being likeable. Being handsome wouldn’t be enough. Sometimes a man no matter how handsome would turn out to be a monster if he’s ill- mannered. I guess everything must come in moderation. A man must have a little of every qualities to be just the right guy.

What kind of man would I want for a boyfriend? The basic thing… I must at least be physically attracted to him. Then, he must challenge my intellect into deeper level. Of course, my family must like him because I value and respect their choice. He doesn’t have to be wealthy but stable enough to assure me that my future children will be send to the best school and have a comfortable lifestyle. He must possess the authority to run my life and at the same time the understanding when I want him to succumb to mine.

For sure he will never have a difficulty on my part. No matter what I say that I can be harsh some times, I don’t think I can do it to a person I dearly love. When I fall in love, I become submissive. The man I must marry should really know me that well, that he may feel when I am angry and when I’m hurt. He should not be dumb to think that when I say okay, I mean alright. He should know how to read between the lines.

I don’t mean I’ll keep pretending even to my own husband, but I always got the tendency to hide my feelings to avoid hurting someone else. He has to learn that behind my ever smiling face is a girl who can get mad, who’s easily hurt, and yet deny it.

Few days to go and I’ll be 29. Yah right, just a year more and I’ll be in my thirties (sigh!) This weekend I kept on scanning my diaries, it just feels so good to reminisce that when I was 21, I felt this way. Oh! At 21, mommy was already on state of panic that I haven’t got and never had a boyfriend. In fact, when I came home for the fiesta that time, she told me that my long time suitor had already ask permission to have their “pamamanhikan”. Haler! He wasn’t even my boyfriend. Mommy had thought all along that I like that guy since it’s been ages that he courted me. I would say too that during that age, I’ve also been longing to have a bf. It was like being abnormal seeing my twenty-four co-stewardesses having theirs. Nevertheless, I also went with the flow. Two weeks after I’ve written this, I announced to my family that I have a boyfriend already. It didn’t came as a shock yet, they chorused in saying, “What he’s a Bisaya?” And I told them… “No, he’s not a Bisaya, he’s an Ilonggo.” With no offense meant, I guess we Filipinos had always had these biases over other regions. I guess blame it with what we often saw on TV, that a Bisaya is often portrayed with not so good characters. In defense, I would tell them that, “don’t you know Ilonggos are the sweetest in our country?” Oh, well I had it proven now. Some would joke that Ilonggo men are 99% jealous and only 1 % sweet. Hmm…that’s a fact too but I don’t have resentment over it. I am deeply flattered too over Crissy’s little signs of jealousy that shows his great love for me.

Of course, back then, I am not sure if he had all the qualities I looked for in a man. I fell in love and just trusted my heart. But since day one of our relationship I remain firm with my belief that he will be the man I’ll marry. Even it took him five years to finally pop up the question, “will you marry me?” ( I’m the one who waited for his yes actually)  , I am just so glad that I did made the right decision to love an Ilonggo man who may not have the drop dead gorgeous look, but is the most beautiful creature God blessed me with; who may not be stable enough to give me the best that the world can offer, but working hard to grant me all my dreams; who may not be able to always read what my crazy mind is thinking, but readily shouts to the world how lucky he is to have me as his wife.

Crissy I don’t mind if seloso ka, na hindi ka pa milyonaryo,hehe, I don’t care whatever they has to say, it’s only your love that matters. You know that, ek. Tayo’y magmamahalan hanggang magpakailanman. At promise mo ‘yon ha, na you will still find me desirable even after thirty years. Ako’y sa’yo at ika’y akin lamang…  3sha

promises

Things You Didn't Do
by: Author Unknown, Source Unknown

Remember the day I borrowed your brand new car and I dented it?

I thought you'd kill me but you didn't.

And remember the time I dragged you to the beach and you said it would rain and it did?

I thought you'd say, "I told you so", but you didn't.

Do you remember the time I flirted with all the guys to make you jealous and you were.

I thought you'd leave me, but you didn't.

Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie all over your car rug.

I thought you'd hit me but you didn't.

And remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance was formal and you showed up in jeans?

I thought you'd drop me. But you didn't.

Yes, there were lots of things you didn't do.

But you put up with me and you loved me and you protected me

.

(There were lots of thing I wanted to make up to you when you returned from Vietnam.

But you didn't.)

Since ours is a long distance relationship, all that keeps us going to move on our lives miles from each other are promises. Promises that next time around we will have time together, that when he will be here again we will chat up to the wee hours of the morning, or that I will cook for him something special as soon as he comes back. We even make promises to have a better sexual relationship. We had open communication about it since then. Long before we got married he was always been so particular of what he wanted us to have or how will our life be after the wedding vows. It was as simple as thinking that we will always do the groceries together on weekends to grand as dreaming of a vacation house where we will drive off on holidays.

We had experienced being apart for many times now, and whenever he just left, we will begin texting again of why those promises were never fulfilled. After some petty arguments, we would then meet a common ground and just hope that the next time we’re together things will happen as we please. But then, it wasn’t being dissataisfied of what happened between us. I guess, it is more of both of us just can’t get enough of each other. There disappointments rise and I sometimes I would even asked myself if I have not done enough. But I would immediately shy away from those thoughts. For still his frustrations is a manifestation of his love. If he had the choice he wouldn’t leave me again. And it feels sad that I can’t do anything about it either.

Then I’ll give him my promises again. I would even have promise him the moon and the stars if only I can. Because I owe him a lot and making him happy is what I can only offer. I did cause him pain;  for some times I can just be so irritating, often I fail to acknowledge his worth, but he never grew tired of me. Oh sure, he pissed me off many times too. But when I start to declare a cold war, he would right away bow down to please my desires.

Well, I do hope to make up with him. And isn’t a promise anymore. I wouldn’t let another year pass again. When he comes back, I will him give him all the love not because he deserves to have it but here in my heart it was always I genuinely have for him. Hope it isn’t too late yet.