reminiscing...

14 Aug 2000

Dear diary,

I find my way back home. And there’s this feeling that I don’t belong there anymore. I don’t want to mean, I am stranger now to my family. My point is my views and goals in life seem to be no longer confined in my birthplace. I’m even entertaining the thought of choosing a lifetime partner from a distant place.

Am just too disappointed of not seeing him? With all honesty…NO. I didn’t expect for his presence anyway. He’s trying to enter at the back of my mind but I guess I’m wiser enough to throw his thought away. I’ve got my own life now and I don’t intend to share it with people who once shattered it. I can go on with my life without having occupied by a mere past that would just be forever just a past.

I don’t know but I am having a hard time convincing people around that I’ve already outgrown whatever I felt for him. It seems that I am still very much after him when the whole truth is that, I am not even opening the possibility of being in his arms again. I’ve long accepted the fact that we got our own separate lives.

My ardent suitor was around again. Well, there’s nothing new with that. He’s always been there during occasions but as always I failed to notice his presence. After all, this may sound childish; I never wanted him to be there on the first place. I maybe soft- spoken at one look but when it concerns a man, I can be super assertive. I’ve been that straight forward so as to say if I like a man the first time I saw him. And the moment I laid my eyes on him, there was never that erratic beat of my heart or a mere excitement. Wala lang. right there and then, I know I can never at least like him.

But imagine it’s been four years ago. Why lasts that long? Because I don’t have the nerve to tell a person to get out of my life no matter how irritated I am. I maybe assertive when I like a man but turning somebody down is a different story. I don’t wanna hurt anybody too because I know how it feels.

This may sound so “mababaw”, but I think we girls are like these, when a guy becomes a suitor, we often asks this questions to ourselves, “How would he look like if he will be my groom? Can I imagine myself kneeling before the altar with him beside?” in case it’s a no, then it can never be. And that is exactly what I feel about him. I can never imagine…me? marrying him?

Though it’s still premature to talk about marriage, I often think that my would be boyfriend will definitely be my husband. There are many instances when I begin to wonder why I am so distant to him. He never did anything wrong. In fact, he’s giving me all the favor. But really I just can’t help the feeling of awkwardness, irritability or what, every time he is around. And I would want to believe that it has nothing to do with his physical looks.

I’ve never been judgmental on skin deep qualities and I don’t want to think that I am now. But you see a man may not be necessarily handsome to be liked about. Yet, there must be something in a man’s physical attributes that you must like. And it can be a start. Really physical assets count. I don’t want to be hypocrite about that. But still he has to bear other characteristics to sustain his being likeable. Being handsome wouldn’t be enough. Sometimes a man no matter how handsome would turn out to be a monster if he’s ill- mannered. I guess everything must come in moderation. A man must have a little of every qualities to be just the right guy.

What kind of man would I want for a boyfriend? The basic thing… I must at least be physically attracted to him. Then, he must challenge my intellect into deeper level. Of course, my family must like him because I value and respect their choice. He doesn’t have to be wealthy but stable enough to assure me that my future children will be send to the best school and have a comfortable lifestyle. He must possess the authority to run my life and at the same time the understanding when I want him to succumb to mine.

For sure he will never have a difficulty on my part. No matter what I say that I can be harsh some times, I don’t think I can do it to a person I dearly love. When I fall in love, I become submissive. The man I must marry should really know me that well, that he may feel when I am angry and when I’m hurt. He should not be dumb to think that when I say okay, I mean alright. He should know how to read between the lines.

I don’t mean I’ll keep pretending even to my own husband, but I always got the tendency to hide my feelings to avoid hurting someone else. He has to learn that behind my ever smiling face is a girl who can get mad, who’s easily hurt, and yet deny it.

Few days to go and I’ll be 29. Yah right, just a year more and I’ll be in my thirties (sigh!) This weekend I kept on scanning my diaries, it just feels so good to reminisce that when I was 21, I felt this way. Oh! At 21, mommy was already on state of panic that I haven’t got and never had a boyfriend. In fact, when I came home for the fiesta that time, she told me that my long time suitor had already ask permission to have their “pamamanhikan”. Haler! He wasn’t even my boyfriend. Mommy had thought all along that I like that guy since it’s been ages that he courted me. I would say too that during that age, I’ve also been longing to have a bf. It was like being abnormal seeing my twenty-four co-stewardesses having theirs. Nevertheless, I also went with the flow. Two weeks after I’ve written this, I announced to my family that I have a boyfriend already. It didn’t came as a shock yet, they chorused in saying, “What he’s a Bisaya?” And I told them… “No, he’s not a Bisaya, he’s an Ilonggo.” With no offense meant, I guess we Filipinos had always had these biases over other regions. I guess blame it with what we often saw on TV, that a Bisaya is often portrayed with not so good characters. In defense, I would tell them that, “don’t you know Ilonggos are the sweetest in our country?” Oh, well I had it proven now. Some would joke that Ilonggo men are 99% jealous and only 1 % sweet. Hmm…that’s a fact too but I don’t have resentment over it. I am deeply flattered too over Crissy’s little signs of jealousy that shows his great love for me.

Of course, back then, I am not sure if he had all the qualities I looked for in a man. I fell in love and just trusted my heart. But since day one of our relationship I remain firm with my belief that he will be the man I’ll marry. Even it took him five years to finally pop up the question, “will you marry me?” ( I’m the one who waited for his yes actually)  , I am just so glad that I did made the right decision to love an Ilonggo man who may not have the drop dead gorgeous look, but is the most beautiful creature God blessed me with; who may not be stable enough to give me the best that the world can offer, but working hard to grant me all my dreams; who may not be able to always read what my crazy mind is thinking, but readily shouts to the world how lucky he is to have me as his wife.

Crissy I don’t mind if seloso ka, na hindi ka pa milyonaryo,hehe, I don’t care whatever they has to say, it’s only your love that matters. You know that, ek. Tayo’y magmamahalan hanggang magpakailanman. At promise mo ‘yon ha, na you will still find me desirable even after thirty years. Ako’y sa’yo at ika’y akin lamang…  3sha