"My mom has made me laugh, wiped my tears, hugged me tight, watch me succeed, seen me fall, cheered me on, kept me going strong, drove me a little crazy. But mommies are a promise from God that you will have a friend forever."

                                              Apr 7, '11 5:57 PM

With mommy i can be with my truest self. Talk about mother's unconditional love. She had supported me all the way and she always made herself available for me and my siblings. I can only wish that I can give her all the happiness that she deserves. And, she would be free of all anxieties and just live a worry free life. But I guess, that's just the way mothers are, always worried about their children. As I mature, our relationship had gone into a different level because she does treat me as one mature person and capable of decisions. She never intervene with my life though, I got all her trust.

I wrote this one on mother's day 2007. From time to time i would send her,letters, postcard, or cards even when there's no occasion. Sabi nga nila feeling nasa abroad daw ako, kulang na lang ng package. But i rarely call her then. It was in may of 2009 when i decided to stay here for good that we became really close. Sabi ko nga,ganon pala kapag nag-mature ka na, nagkakaroon ng reversal of roles. That was the time she already had her first attack and just recuperating that's why she can't be active as before. But i tried to treat her as the same she was ten years ago. When she would carry herself my baggage's when i left for Manila for my first job. She had always been physically strong and tough. And i grow up so weak, so thin, so fragile and i was really so dependent on her on many things.

We would often argue on the pettiest thing. She likes something and i hated it. I like something and she disapproves it. Ganon lang kami but at the end of the day we will just keep on talking and talking. I love it when she's so pissed off at aasarin ko siya.  And after a while nawawala na din inis niya. She was always like that. Madaling magalit pero madali ring kalimutan. I knew very well whom she dislikes, whom she adores, she never runs out of stories. And because she knew i love house designs, every time she came from Divine Mercy, she would describe to me the houses they visit. It's what i gonna miss her the most,because on every part of the house, magkasama kami noon na nagpa-plan kung ano ang gusto namin mangyari. 

Strange maybe but day i knew something was different. When i woke up i was looking for her, I've forgotten that it's a Sunday. I was just having breakfast when the mass was over. I was waiting for her because we use to have breakfast together. And on Sundays that she wakes up early, she would munch on something while I'm having my coffee. While she was walking from the church and she was wearing that pink blouse i got her (there was no occasion when i bought it, i just thought it would look good on her), naisip ko lang na parang ang ganda ni mami ngayon,bagay talaga sa kanya ang brown hair. Pero di ko napansin na ng dumaan talaga siya,siguro may bumili non, kasi madalas ang way niya to acknowledge her presence ,kakatukin niya ng pamaypay niya 'yong counter. 

high school graduation

After 30 minutes she went inside at nasa kuwarto lang kami ni nic. Tumawa pa siya and said na nandito lang pala kaming dalawa. I told her na maglalaba muna ako. I kept on coming back and she was already lying on my bed. And i saw that strange look. Sa may pintuan, nakita ko na nakatingin siya sa akin lagi. Sharp eyes, pero parang that day, ang clear ng mga mata niya na parang, naggo-glow talaga. At lunchtime I ate late but she was still on the table, tapos lagi siya nauubo. Dati i would often say "eeeew" kapag umuubo siya while I'm eating, but i just kept quiet that day. I know there were many times that I'm not that good to her. When i always voice out something against her. But weeks before that, we didn't argue that much.i just gave in to what she likes. At di na rin siya nagkukwento about doon sa faith healer kasi 'yon ang madalas namin pagtalunan. Alam niya na nainis pala uli ako ng magkuwento siya about sa sudden collapse niya nong friday while i was in Manila. Napagod daw kasi siya at walang bantay sa tindahan. Tumaas ang boses ko uli and told her na sinabi ko na dati na isara na lang tindahan kung wlang magbabantay kasi magkano lang naman kikitain natin diyan. She just remained quiet. 


After lunch, I was online and she was just lying again. I called her attention when i let her see the birthday pictures of Jewel. I tried to teach her to manage the mouse kasi sabi ko maliligo ako. but she wouldn't want kaya inisa-isa ko muna click all those 177 pictures. lagi ko 'yan sinasabi sa kanya na you should learn kasi she always refuse to learn even using the cellphone. Madalas nga dialog ko sa kanya, "heler, gusto mo ba in the next twenty years di ka pa din marunong gumamit niyan?". that's it. i know death is natural but i didn't see it coming to her this soon. I was expecting for another twenty years with her around. 

with her cousins

At 2pm she left for their gathering with the Divine Mercy group. After two hours she was back again. She was on my bed again while eating apples. Tapos kuwento uli kung ano serve na merienda. Lagi niya kuwento 'yon kasi. But she said she didn't eat. After a while, pa was already looking for merienda and he said he wants toasted bread. he did it himself and brought us a plate after. magkatabi na kami naka-higa non. Nag-argue nga uli kami kasi gusto niya 'yong position kung saan ako naka-higa to which i didn't gave in. Pero ng kakain na siya, tumayo din ako at inasar ko pa siya na ,heto na ang merienda in bed mo.  few minutes sinundan uli niya ako sa upuan and gave me the bread again. And we chat again for hours. madalas niya ako sinusuyo kasi as much as i tried to hide kung naiinis ako, she very well knew it. I remember an instance, paggising ko i saw the bread she bought. At reklamo uli ako na ano ba 'yan ang pangit naman niyan. Sabi niya, di bumili ka din ng gusto mo. When i went out, tinawag niya ako. I could still hear her kahit nasa may gate na ako pero deadma lang. Tapos ng makita niya binili ko, inaasar din niya ako na 'yon lng pala gusto ko. 

with uncle bado's family

At 7pm hinahanap ko siya kasi madalas kasama ko siya kapag isasara na tindahan. Ayaw kasi niya na maaga ko sasarhan at parang nasu-suffocate daw siya kapag sarado na tindahan ko. Wala siya kaya i presumed na baka nagdarasal which she does when nightime falls. After ko magsara, nakita ko siya nasa may kalsada pa pala at madami kakwentuhan at tawa ng tawa.  I just spent time in front of the computer until they called us up for dinner. Dati kapag tatawagin ako, it means i have to prepare the table. Pero that night, the table was set up already at kakain na lang talaga kami. It was the usual dinner we have. Ako ang kuwento ng kuwento. Pagkatapos namin kumain biniro ko pa siya na siya maghugas para ma-exercise siya. Inirapan lang ako. I hurriedly wash the dishes because i want to watch tv in our room. Nasa Studio 23 kasi sila at mas gusto ko panoorin rated K. And so it goes, lumipat na ako sa kabila and spent the time reading pocketbooks while watching TV. It was past 10 pm when pa knock at my door. 

on their wedding day

Until this day, I wished that knock was just a dream. A month after, I am still in no point of acceptance. Nandito pa rin 'yong panghihinayang na ang dami-dami pa sana namin pagdadaanan together. In my whole existence ngayon lang nagkaroon ng apt description kung ano ba 'yong pain. The first two days were the hardest to battle. Sabi ko nga kay Cris ganoon pala kapag sobang masakit, hindi mo alam kung magkakaroon ka ng capability to love after or if there is such thing as love. Siguro what made it even harder for me was the fact that Cris wasn't around. Of course, you have wanted someone to cry on to. 
Mommy had love Cris as much as she did for me. Sabi ko nga ang OA niya kasi tuwing aalis at uuwi si Cris, siya ang umiiiyak. They both love to talk kaya they would spend hours talking. At si Cris ang lagi ang may nerve na asarin siya kapag alam namin na nagagalit na. 

on nic's capping @ the concourse

I am just thankful that I still got to spend two full years with her. Mas meaningful 'yong relationship kapag mature na pareho. Kasi  when we're much younger, how  we hated the way mothers are. Although it was easier on my part since I've always been a good girl. And yes, for two years she was a friend. Wala kasi ako malapit na kaibigan. I only communicate with friends online. Siya talaga 'yong every day na nakakausap ko lang. Kahit aso't pusa kami minsan, kahit madalas she's my critic, maybe unconsciously she got me prepared for the role i have to play when she leaves. I inherited her simplicity, her simple joys. She remained simple all throughout, never even had pedicure and manicure all through her life. But she loves clothes. She did wanted to look her best always even in just wearing shorts. She got flawless legs, much to our envy.We all wished we got her complexion.

I miss mommy when it's raining, and i imagine she's there and how she might feel cold away from us. I miss her when the sun shines because how she hates the warm weather and can't live without electric fan. 
I miss her when we got chocolates because it's her comfort food.
I miss her when all the kids fight and yelling on the top of their voices, i wish I got her composure to shrug it off and just let them be kids.
I miss her assertiveness which I don't have. She was my spokesperson when I can't voice out what I want.
I miss how she would call me ris-sing. How she tells me to these and do that.
I am going to miss her for every day that will pass. But i know she would want me to be happy, like always she wants me to be. My happiness has always been on top of her concern. She was my friend, my critic, my spokesperson, but most of all, she is my mom and will be forever.